Start with Yourself, By Ashleigh Musyt

How can I stand out as a leader? This question was posed to me during a recent online leadership conference. Leadership education and training is changing. Technology and social media has changed the way we learn about leadership and it increases our exposure as leaders. It can be a difficult concept to grasp for some people. For example, I just took part in an online leadership conference, my name can be “googled,” and don’t even get me started on Facebook. These items were never topics of discussion in leadership education until recently. With all these changes, I can’t help but think it’s time we took it back to basics.

How can I stand out as a leader? Two speakers stood out to me during this conference. One spoke on relationships and the other on honesty versus talent in leadership. How can I stand out as a leader? Be honest. Be authentic. Be a positive influence in your relationships. Leadership, at the very core, is all about relationships. The relationship with yourself and the relationships you have with others. What do we look for when looking for a life partner? Sure, everyone is different, but what I hear most often from my friends and family is that I want someone who cares, who is loyal, who is honest, and someone I can trust. What do you want in a leader? I want someone who cares, who is loyal, who is honest, and someone I can trust.

I also believe it does take talent to be a leader. However, we have more access to talent and exposure than ever before. With YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, we often feel like we are just 140 characters from our favorite band, singer, actress or Hollywood socialite. With the creation of YouTube, stars are born when they create a video in their bedroom. We have a crazy amount of access to talent. What I see is starting to fade in this world and in our leaders is honesty. Sometimes we worry that we do not have the talent to be a leader. This fear paralyzes us and stops us from fulfilling our full potential. But, when I think of leaders whom I admire most, it is not because of their skill set. I admire her because she is authentic. She has “done the work” to be honest with herself which then transcends to honesty with others.

When we meet our authentic self and understand why we think, feel, and act the way we do, we learn to love what we see. It is my belief that to reach your full potential as a leader, you must work on the most important relationship of all – the one with yourself. Before we can truly care for others, we must first care for self. In order to truly be loyal, honest and trustworthy, we must first learn to be loyal, honest and trustworthy with self. I did not fully understand the power of the relationship with self until recently. I finally realized that I spent so much time trying to change and control external factors that there was not enough energy to reach my full potential.

I learned the most about being a leader from myself. I have heard the cliché, “you can never truly love another until you love yourself,” many times throughout my life. However, it was not until I started to truly work on my relationship with myself did I realize the extent to which I could succeed. The most fascinating thing I’ve learned on this journey is how much easier it is to be a leader, a partner, a friend, a colleague, a person when I have a strong, healthy relationship with myself. Honesty and authenticity is a life-long journey. I do not assert that I have ‘arrived.’ What I do know is that I finally understand the cliché and how it relates to leadership and life.

So, how can I stand out as a leader? Be honest and build strong relationships – starting with yourself.

Author:
Ashleigh Musyt
Assistant Director for Leadership Education& Engagement
The University of North Carolina at Greensboro (UNCG)

Relational Leadership, By Chris Ward

Six years ago I was struggling in one of my leadership roles. I was serving as a Team Leader/Social Service Designee/Life Enhancement Coordinator at an innovative retirement community, and having a hard time.

Let’s just stop right there and address some of the remarkable things about the last sentence. First of all, you may have noticed that my title was a long, ridiculous mash-up of roles. If you aspire to lead, you will at times find yourself carrying the burden of multiple responsibilities and roles that are tenuously connected. Accepting that reality and mentally preparing for adaptation and creative application of your leadership style will position you for greater effectiveness. Also, we don’t tend to think of retirement communities as “innovative,” but this one was extremely cutting edge. The leaders I met there were some of the most dedicated and skilled that I have worked with in eighteen years of practicing leadership. If you aspire to lead, you will find amazing leaders in the most unexpected places.

I was responsible for leading a team of multi-disciplinary caregivers as we served fourteen older adults who were living in our nursing care household. I was in charge of the daily operations of this household. I was responsible for inviting our elders to participate in social events, book clubs, exercise groups, trips to the movies, football games, etc. I was responsible for making sure their personal needs were met by helping them manage their finances, medical needs, support systems, psychological wellness, and social interests. This is where I struggled—try as I might, at the end of every week I would find that I had neglected to call an elder’s optometrist for a replacement lens for a pair of glasses, or to call a family member back with a piece of information about their loved one’s health status, or to play checkers with one older gentlemen who found interaction with peers stressful. I felt horrible when someone’s genuine needs were neglected—I was responsible, and I was always disappointing someone.

I will never forget plodding into my social service mentor’s office and sinking low in my chair as we began our bi-weekly supervision meeting one Monday afternoon. I was understandably frustrated, embarrassed, and discouraged, and ashamed to admit my continuing failure to this veteran, high-powered social worker.

By the way, don’t let yourself be so ashamed of failure that you prevent
yourself from asking for wisdom from those veteran leaders who can help you the
most!

She listened to my confession and seeing my stuckness, she took action. With a no nonsense tone, she said, “Come here.” I obediently walked around her desk to face her. She placed a legal pad on the desk in front of me and put a pen in my hand. “Show me how you write down your social service tasks,” she said calmly. Taking the pen, I kneeled down behind her desk, wrote the date, and began listing items I needed to complete for my elders that day—“phone calls, emails, doctor’s visits, library runs, bank deposits, checker games…” I paused, my pen hovering over the list. Seeing my brain searching for missing items, she waited patiently. After a few moments I finally turned to her, “I know there is something missing, but I just can’t bring it to mind.” I put the pen down firmly on the desk in defeat. She smiled, reached for the legal pad, tore my list off the top, and set it next to the clean page. Then she picked up the pen and raised it towards me expectantly.

If you aspire to lead there will be times when you feel as if you are at a
dead end. When you are at a loss, pause a moment, gather yourself, get yourself
a new piece of paper, and pick up your pen again…

I took the pen from her hand. “Now,” she said, “which of your elders is right next to your office; the first one on the east side of the hallway?” I looked at the ceiling to envision entering the doorway and approaching the residents’ rooms. “John, “ I said. “OK, write ‘John’ at the top of the page. Now, what does John need today, and what does he need this week?” I began to write, “Well, John is still recovering from hip surgery, and seemed to be getting around better this morning. But he did say he will be done with his first round of post-surgery antibiotics on Thursday and I need to get him a refill. He seemed a bit down though, and I should spend some time visiting with him later to see if he’s tired or feeling some post-surgery blues. That reminds me that I should ask him when his next therapy session is. Oh, and I need to call his sister with an update, because she left a message for me Friday afternoon as I was leaving.” My pen was flying across the page and I paused in astonishment. My new list was already as long as my old list and I had only begun thinking about one resident! I turned to my mentor, my mouth still hanging open, and she chuckled. “I have found it effective to think in terms of ‘people’ rather than ‘tasks’, and it looks like it will be effective for you too. See you next week.”

If you aspire to lead, you will have moments of insight that will pop up
quickly. If you don’t hook on to them immediately, they tend to fade into the
busyness of your day as fast as they emerged. Good leaders identify their growth
moments, grab them with both hands, and wrestle them to the ground like a cowboy
roping a calf.

I walked out of her office; my mind newly opened, and realized that I had been given a whole new lens for approaching my work. By thinking through the people I was serving and interacting with, I was able to access the actions I needed to take. I walked back to my office, sat down, and completed my “people list”. By Friday afternoon I realized that I had finally met everyone’s needs.

Since then I have discovered that “relationship” is a mental model that serves me well as I lead. By understanding my leadership responsibilities/duties and then creating a list of the people I am in relationship with, I am able to conceptualize important tasks and create plans of action that enable me to serve people well. I invite you to try this out. Make a list of all of your key relationships this semester—professors, advisors, the students sharing leadership with you in organizations, key family members and friends, your leadership coach, etc. By considering the nature of your relationship with each person/group, and connecting relevant goals and responsibilities to those relationships, you can see how you must take action now and in the future.
Author:
Chris Ward, M.S., NCC
Group Facilitator, TeamQUEST
Doctoral Student, Counseling and Educational Development, UNCG